commenter confessions: dealing with office thieves

re: “you left evidence”, Good Soul says:

In 2001, I solved a “disappearing food” problem without these little notes. For some time (3 weeks or so), I bought some very nice food, put my name on it with a “do not touch — not for human consumption!” sign, and watched it disappear. I also found out about the fine taste of the thief – sugar was high in the rank. So on a random day, I placed a box of very nice sugar treats with the same sign, in the same place, and — as expected — it disappeared pretty soon. That was 9-10AM. By 2PM, the horse laxative I put in the food made two co-workers abandon the office in a hurry, only to spend the next 24 to 48 hours in the hospital.

Nothing was ever said (it could lead to lawsuit). If needed, I would claim the treats where for my horses, and “not for human consumption” — notice a similarity? I immediately stopped eating the food I left behind, just in case they thought of doing the same. Somehow, food never disappeared again. Next time I would use ink — permanent ink — just in case the idiots choose the lawsuit option.

re: “i swear this isn’t some kind of stealth viral marketing campaign”, LQP says:

Back in the day when I worked at a public library somebody stole my Hot Pockets. I responded by writing this passive-aggressive haiku (or something similar, I can’t recall it exactly) and posting it on the fridge:

Dear Hot Pocket Thief:
I hope that it tastes like guilt,
So hot and delish

The next day there was a note from the Hot Pocket thief who was profuse in his/her apology, as well as two new replacement boxes of hot pockets. I felt really terrible despite it all, and attempt to curb any passive aggressive behavior from myself.

re: “i spit in mine”, briggs says:

Where I used to work, there was this guy who would drink from anothers guy drink when he left the room. One time he place his drink on a napkin and wrote: “I spit in this”. When he got back somebody else had written “So did I!”

17 responses to “commenter confessions: dealing with office thieves

  1. I just stumbled over here. Nice site! Although considering you are one of WordPress’ top blogs, you probably know that.

    Well, all I can say is I wish I still had a copy of one of many notes my stepmother left me in high school. It was attached to our cat’s litter box. It read something like:

    Dear Laura (me):
    Pleaz kleen my boxx. Its stinkee and me like things to bee kleen. Meow.
    Timmy the cat

    True story. Too bad I didn’t know the term passive aggressive back then…

  2. Dear nice people,
    Including links to commenters’ email addresses in your post is in bad form.

  3. isnt horse laxative a bit…dangerous?

  4. dangerous or not the thieves got the message……whatever works huh?

  5. Howdy, large animal veterinarian here- perhaps “good soul” used a laxative, but it sure was not a horse laxative- the only laxative used in horses is mineral oil. If you put enough of that in food to cause diarrhea, the food would be inedible. Sorry.
    Horses can die from diarrhea, consequently powerful laxatives are not used in that species.
    Urban legend, anyone?

  6. Pingback: Funny Blog on Wordpress « Something should go here, maybe later.

  7. That spitting one didn’t happen. I heard that being told as a joke years ago.

  8. I luv the horse laxatives one! I know of a person that got mad because another person was putting chemicals in different bottles and to get the person back put hydrogen peroxide in this person’s greican formula hair dye. This was priceless, as I witnessed the result! White hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Pingback: commenter confessions: dealing with office thieves « passive-aggressive notes from roommates, neighbors, coworkers and strangers « Holbrook

  10. I’m a South African. I had to look ‘hot pocket’ up on wikipedia. And WHOA! I wouldn’t give a hot pocket to my dog! You seem to be confusing a hot-pocket-thief with a guardian angel.

  11. The spitting thing is an urban legend. Everyone’s heard of it by now, which is why I’m always baffled that people still try to pass it off as their own (or their friends’) idea. It used to be funny the first two or three times I heard it, but now it’s just lame.

    Love the one with the laxative, though!

  12. The spitting on has been done many times over the years. I use to do it with my brother and beer.

  13. What the heck is moderation?

  14. i used to live in a house with 4 people. one of my roommates was drinking my milk without asking or thanking me (food = money). i brought it up, but noone would admit to it, and so i was passive-aggressive and put several tablespoons of salt in it. they stopped stealing from me then.

  15. At uni I put up a sign saying I was going to put laxatives in my food and milk if people didn’t stop nicking our food.
    Worried the hell out of the wardens but I have the right to put laxatives in my own food.
    Stopped food going missing almost overnight.

  16. I wonder if there was a spate of toilet roll thefts following the laxative caper? Ace, just couldn’t stop laughing.

  17. if you put salt in your own food, christine, then you’re not gonna be able to eat it either unless you have an immunity to salt or something.

    or was that just to teach the thieves not to steal anymore?

    hmm my friend is living in an apartment because of school (she usually lives 4 hours away) but i don’t think she problems with food. bad thing is she always has to be the one who cooks.

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