thanks for eating my lunch

(charlie in los angeles did not eat your lunch.)

commenter confessions: dealing with office thieves

re: “you left evidence”, Good Soul says:

In 2001, I solved a “disappearing food” problem without these little notes. For some time (3 weeks or so), I bought some very nice food, put my name on it with a “do not touch — not for human consumption!” sign, and watched it disappear. I also found out about the fine taste of the thief – sugar was high in the rank. So on a random day, I placed a box of very nice sugar treats with the same sign, in the same place, and — as expected — it disappeared pretty soon. That was 9-10AM. By 2PM, the horse laxative I put in the food made two co-workers abandon the office in a hurry, only to spend the next 24 to 48 hours in the hospital.

Nothing was ever said (it could lead to lawsuit). If needed, I would claim the treats where for my horses, and “not for human consumption” — notice a similarity? I immediately stopped eating the food I left behind, just in case they thought of doing the same. Somehow, food never disappeared again. Next time I would use ink — permanent ink — just in case the idiots choose the lawsuit option.

re: “i swear this isn’t some kind of stealth viral marketing campaign”, LQP says:

Back in the day when I worked at a public library somebody stole my Hot Pockets. I responded by writing this passive-aggressive haiku (or something similar, I can’t recall it exactly) and posting it on the fridge:

Dear Hot Pocket Thief:
I hope that it tastes like guilt,
So hot and delish

The next day there was a note from the Hot Pocket thief who was profuse in his/her apology, as well as two new replacement boxes of hot pockets. I felt really terrible despite it all, and attempt to curb any passive aggressive behavior from myself.

re: “i spit in mine”, briggs says:

Where I used to work, there was this guy who would drink from anothers guy drink when he left the room. One time he place his drink on a napkin and wrote: “I spit in this”. When he got back somebody else had written “So did I!”

who’s the smartass?

exhibit a, from lindsay in burbank:

says the author of post-it #2: “the next day, she added a note that said, ‘keep eating my sushi and you’re going to find out!'”

and exhibit b, from jason in new haven:

(to the left, the original note. to the right, the response.)

if you’re guessing these guys are engineers, you’re not that far off.

yeah, i got fired…but that hot pocket sure was worth it.

this exercise in redundancy is brought to us by erika in los angeles. it’s like the note-writer couldn’t decide which tactic would be most effective and just opted for all of the above.

i swear this isn’t some kind of stealth viral marketing campaign

…but hot pockets are totally the car radios of the communal freezer.

exhibit a: new york city

exhibit b: southern oregon

exhibit c: washington, d.c.

exhibit d: oahu, hawaii

thanks to beth at columbia and dj shaggy for their help in uncovering this phenomenon.

next time, go for the fiji?

this fiendishly funny note comes to us courtesy of jennifer in philly, who does not condone the theft of bottled water of any kind.

be curtius

the stolen item in question here? a serving of creamer.

this one’s an anonymous submission, but i have my suspicions…even if the grammar is a little off.